For My Momma

Today is my mom's first birthday in Heaven and surprisingly I've done pretty good. We went to church and then had Pandan Thai for lunch.  She would always ask for it when she came for a visit.  This evening I attended a counseling session called Surviving the Holidays.  It was put on by the Grief Share group.  Going there let me know that I am doing OK.  Nelson and my boys give me so much light during this hard time.  Some of the people in the group were struggling a lot with the holiday season and I do feel that, but I also feel so much JOY and excitement. This year Clayton understands so much more.  He gets excited about Christmas lights and didn't scream when we went and saw Santa.  Charlie is in love with the Christmas tree and has just started crawling and exploring so much more.  As much as all this helps, today is still her birthday and I want to honor her and remember her.  For months after she passed I carried her eulogy around in my purse.  It was hard to write and even harder to give but I was proud of it.  I think it is time to get rid of it so I wanted to write it here first.  Feels like something I need to do.

Eulogy for JoAnne Deck Stewart given on Friday, March 25, 2016

I knew if I didn't say something today I would regret it and I'm working really hard on living a life of no regrets.

I never imagined I would be here this soon for my mom. She was my best friend. It will take a while for me to understand why her, why now, why like that, but I have to trust that God needed her more than I do. I find great relief knowing she is pain free in Heaven with her daddy, sister Rosie, and most recently her brother-in-law RD whom we lost last month.

I wanted to talk about my mom and the type of person she was. Some of you when to high school with my mom or maybe you knew her through various jobs. Maybe from the fireworks stand or VFW with my dad, but I want to tell you about the woman I knew.

My mom loved her bling. She loved clunky flip flops with all the jewels and big jewelry.  She loved her job at MD Able, her coworker Sarah, and her girls. She loved that she was able to help raise her office baby Hallie and told me it was great practice for her grandson Clayton.

My mom loved her rescue dogs and her home out in the country.

She loved her crafts.  I didn't get her love of blingy shoes and big jewelry but I did inherit her love of crafting and I'll always be grateful for that.  Mom loved spending the first weekend of every month with her sisters down at Wimberly.  Some months should would only make enough to cover her gas but it didn't matter. It was time with her family and that was priceless.

Finally she loved her family.  Mom married my dad on her 18th birthday and this past December they celebrated 40 years together.  She told me the story of how he father said he would pay for her college or she could marry Bob.  She picked Bob and never looked back. I was their only child and she was always so supportive of everything I did.  She attended every band concert and football game. She helped me get my first job at what used to be Hal Harton Ford and taught me the value of hard work. When I went away to college she sad she was sad so she got a lap dog. The lap dog turned out to be a 30 lb miniature poodle named Boo.

She loved my husband from the first time I brought him home.  As we were leaving on the visit Nelson asked my parents if he could marry be, she called me to tell he asked before we were even out of the driveway!  Excited was an understatement.  I can still hear her reaction when we found out we were expecting Clayton.  She so badly wanted to be a grandma and I'm so glad we were able to do that for her.  I'm just sorry it was only for 21 months.  She was over the moon about the new baby too. When I would visit her in the rehab hospital she would always say "This is my daughter Tristine and this is Charlie. He will be here in May." My mom was in the delivery room with us when Clayton was born and I like to think she will be there with Charlie as well.

I could talk about her for days but I will attempt to close here.  My mom was such an easy person to love because she always treated others with kindness and respect. She always tried to have a positive outlook on things. Even in the rehab hospital, where she was one of the youngest patients and facing some of the hardest recovery, she always tried to keep a smile on her face.  I have never seen so many nurses get attached to a patient.  They cried tears right
along with us during those last few days in the hospital.  I can only hope that one day I could leave that type of impression on people. Than I can be as kind and caring as she was. That is the legacy I want to care on and instill in my children.

 

Have I ever told you about THE BOOKCASE?

Nelson’s mom gave us a bookcase for a wedding present.  I can’t remember exactly when we got it but it was either right before or after our wedding.  She bought it for $100 at a garage sale.  It is in great shape only it was ugly as can be.  We decided it would be our little project to strip it and repaint it so we can use it in our spare bedroom.  Well, we have now been married for over two years and guess where that book case is?  If you guessed the garage you would be right!  It is still taking up space in our garage.  Every now and then we get a whim and work on it.  So far we have stripped it, sanded it, and kilzed part of it.  We disagree on the next few steps.  Nelson wants to RESAND the entire thing after we finish putting the kilz on it.  I highly dislike this idea because it has already been sitting in our garage for TWO YEARS.  I just don’t think we should be adding steps in the process!  In my mind that just adds another six months to its finish date.  Why am I writing about this?  Well I have decided to make it a personal vow to finish this book case with or without Nelson.  I hope to have it done in the next two weeks.  I am using this blog to help hold myself accountable.  This weather is perfect to take care of this project.  The only reason I am not currently working on my project is because I ran out of kilz and I need Nelson to flip it so I can get to another section of it.  I am including some pictures of it from the start and I hope to add a finished product soon!

This is what it looked like with just the outside sanded: 

After some stripping:

A shelf stripped and sanded:

What it looks like as of today:

On a side note I went in to have a blood test on Thursday.  This was the next step we were waiting for to continue with our new fertility process.  The doctor prescribed a medicine I couldn’t take until I had this test done because it would make my results false. This was a two hour test so I had to wait until spring break to have it done so I didn’t have to take off work!  Eugh!  The waiting!   Anyways, we should be ready for our next round of clomid by the end of this month or beginning of next month.  Let’s just keep our fingers crossed! 



Today was appoitment day!

I thought I would write a quick note even though I am exhausted!  Today was our first appointment with our fertility specialist.  He as very hopeful and eager to get things started.  I think I created all of these worries in my head when I just needed to relax and wait to see what he had to say.  He is going to have us continue with Clomid only he is going to start us at 150 mg.  We pretty much agree my doctor was wasting my time with the previous Clomid by not raising the dosage and not seeing if I was even ovulating while taking it. I am excited his Clomid procedure is different.  He is also giving me Metformin which is supposed to help Clomid work better by controlling my blood sugar.  I am not diabetic but your insulin levels are messed up when you have PCOS and he believes this will help the Clomid be more effective.  He believes if all works well I can be pregnant with in the first few cycles.  I hope so!  I have new hope that I may be a mom sooner then later!  However, if this doesn’t work he talked to us about alternative options such as IVF (in vitro). I will write more soon but I am exhausted so I am going to go rest on the couch for a bit before bed.   Good night world! J

Picking a title for my first entry should not be this hard!

I have never been much of a writer so this blog will be my first attempt at self expression longer than a Facebook status.  I enjoy speaking (just ask Nelson) but have always found it hard to get my thoughts on to paper.  Maybe it is the ADD in me that won’t let me focus on one task that long.  So here goes nothing… my first blog entry!

Monday will be our two year wedding anniversary!  I can’t believe it has already been two years… the saying is true time flies when you are having fun.  I truly enjoy the time we have had together but we both are ready for our little family to expand.  We have been trying since last summer to get pregnant and unfortunately we haven’t had any luck.  In July my doctor diagnosed me with Polycystic ovarian syndrome which causes me not to ovulate.  Now I am no scientist but no ovulation = no baby L.  My doctor recommended we start with Clomid which is the “aspirin of fertility drugs.”  Clomid is supposed to be an ovulatory stimulant and help produce eggs…. only it didn’t. I have since taken 4 rounds of Clomid with zero results.  It has been very hard to want something so bad and not be able to have it.  It has been a battle with my self to be happy for those around me who are able to conceive and have children.  I know God will provide and my time will come but until then I am working very hard on simply being happy for my friends instead of letting jealously rear her ugly head. I have been withdrawn and avoided some people simply because they were expecting a baby and my pregnancy test said negative.  It has been something I have had to pray a lot about and promise to God and myself I will overcome.  I must say since this year has started I am doing much better.  I have had at least 6 friends/family announce they were expecting, and I only cried once.  

So what happens from here?  Well, on February 21^st Nelson and I have a doctor appointment with a fertility specialist in Fort Worth.  At Fort Worth Fertility… Where Miracles Begin their web site says.   I hope our miracle can happen here. Until then I will simply enjoy the time I have with my husband and look forward to what the future will bring.